nOT mINE -

“Sorry, Sir, but your bill is now sixty days overdue.”

“Not mine. How did you get this landline number, its unlisted?”

“You gave it to us, Sir. Are you not Reginald Maclean of Wild Close, Camooweal?”

“I am. But that’s not my bill.”

“Is there someone else in your household who uses your card?”

“No, only me and my family.”

“Your son, perhaps?”

“He’s three.”

“Your wife.”

“We’re happily married and do not –.”

“I’m not enquiring about your life behind closed doors, Sir, we just want final payment for our product.”

“Not paying when it’s not my invoice.”

“I may have to take legal action, which may put a blemish on your excellent credit history, Sir.”

“I’ll fight it because it’s not my bill.”

“Are you sure, Sir?”

“Never heard of your company, and we’ve had no parcels delivered to this house.”

“Your signature is on the delivery docket.”

“Someone must’ve forged it.”

“But Sir, if we take legal action it will go on public record that you bought the deluxe latex cat suit kit that came with the Sally blow-doll. The ever popular love hearted lip ’n whip collection and the cherry-lust or bust lube –”

The phone dropped to the floor as he fell hard into his seat in the hallway. He blinked at the silhouette of his second wife at the kitchen sink. The sun shone through the window halloing her blonde hair, as she sung nursery rhymes to their son drinking his milk at the table.

“Sir, are you there?” That slight British-accented feminine voice was a nightmare floating from the phone on the floor.

He picked up the handpiece. “Er?”

“Of course we believe in maintaining our client’s privacy, Sir, but if you don’t pay and it goes to court it then becomes public knowledge. The media may become involved because they do frequent the courthouse corridors.”

His voice croaked, “It’s a mistake — not my invoice.”

“Of course, one call and we’ll make sure they’re available for the court date.”

“Okay – it’s mine!”

“Great. So, shall we charge it to your card, Sir?”

“No, I’ll pay cash.”

“Excellent. We’ll have the courier to collect in an hour. Thank you for dealing with the Prescott Escort Agency where your fetish is our friend. Good luck in your election, Sir.”