I live in the land of: beer; barbecues; 4wd’s; crocodiles; poisonous snakes; and deadly spiders. Once considered the last frontier. It’s tough. Rugged. Yet beautiful.

There’s two seasons, simply known as the Wet and the Dry.

For six months of the year we have the tropical ‘Wet’ Season. It rains a lot. Its hot. Humid. Sticky. Most call it Hell.

The ‘Dry’, (the official start this weekend) is prime time for this patch of country experiencing Goldilock’s weather conditions. Not too hot, not too cold. Perfect from one day to the next.

Once upon a time, this place, and the ‘Dry’ season used to be a secret…

 

The Locals’ signs for seasonal change from the ‘Wet’ to ‘The Dry’:

• • Arrival of Southerners. (Cue foreboding music here…). To spot a Southerner in a crowd, Locals wear flannel, Southerners wear shorts, have retina-glaring-suntans that glow in the dark, and ask for directions. Caravaners & No-Rush-Retirees belong to this group. Considered a scourge with their caravans clogging up roads – everywhere.

• Dragon flies are found everywhere. Especially in car grills.
• Locals mow grass that’s taller than their houses. Then put mowers away until Christmas.

• Locals wear socks with their Samari-fighting-shoes, AKA, Double-pluggers, and or thongs.
• Crucial oscillating indicator is the arrival of A Grade mobile homes requiring acreage to turn and park at the local Reserve.
• The dreaded flu is smuggled in by Southerners to this unique quarantine environment.
• Locals wear mini wooly-mammoth jackets to the supermarket. There they try to beat the land speed record, doing the dash to the refrigerated section for milk! Frozen food, they just don’t go there. Unless wearing a fully certified Arctic Suit – or send in a Southerner.
• You become a passive smoker and get used to smoke in your eyes. (cue all tunes with ‘smoke’ theme here). Bushfire prevention & Hazardous Waste programmes start with controlled burning of bushland. Now, before any environmentalists move off the couch – it’s considered natural to the native bushland germination processes. Scientists proved it. Pyromaniac’s swear buy it.

• The smoke by-product allows for bragging rights in producing spectacular hazy sunsets. Please note that Locals haven’t seen the sun, having endured months of rain. So everything is spectacular. The Southeners agree, because they’ve fled winter to be here.

So, to be fair, Southerners do have advantages of…um…..Wait….. Um….it’s coming to me….nah, lost it. Must’ve been a lie…I’ll get back to you?

FYI: If you’re a Southerner, do not be offended for the above. Learn from the Bogan-Bible in hope of fitting in.

FYI (take II): A Bogan. (AKA- Yobbo) is Australian Slang for an individual that can inhabit any race, creed, gender, income group, class. They lack logical language skills. Consistently accomplish daft deeds as a lifestyle choice. Most Bogans are oblivious to the fact they’re Bogans. Suspected cousin to the US Red Neck.